Shades of Hope by Tennie McCarty

Author:Tennie McCarty [McCarty, Tennie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781101577080
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2012-03-06T05:00:00+00:00

NINE

Processing Our Feelings

If we have nothing else, we have our stories. Those histories anchor us to reality, to every moment lived, every pain endured, the hardships and joys that make up our human experience. For many folks, they have lived their whole lives removed from this story, ignorant of its role in their present. But when we look back at what has happened, we can begin to integrate new behaviors into our lives.

Addictions are a disease of the feelings. For most addicts, it is not anyone else’s behavior that sends them back into the dependency; it is their own. They make poor choices, responding to life in an unhealthy manner, knowing that a substance or process will take them out of those feelings, and so the cycle continues. They ignore their histories, deny or carry the feelings, using food, avoiding food, and going shopping so they don’t have to be present. And it works.

I could hear Scott’s car coming from a mile away once he finally arrived at Shades. After months of discussions with his cardiologist, his therapist, his personal assistant, and a bevy of other doctors and enablers, Scott decided he needed more help than his team of aides could offer. At more than four hundred pounds, he was a human vacuum—consuming food, women, alcohol, drugs, anything that stood in his path. His eating was out of control, but his spending was what had really begun to take a toll on his life. For as much money as Scott made as a big-time screenwriter, he had also been incurring enormous debt. He was on the verge of bankruptcy—physical, financial, and spiritual.

After renting a Mercedes convertible in Abilene, he raced his way through Buffalo Gap, screeching to a halt outside of the administrative building. He told Cam that he could stay for only four days, but after she explained that we couldn’t admit him for less than the full week, he agreed to stay for the six-day intensive program. If we thought his tantrum over not being able to drive his newly rented car was bad, we were nowhere near prepared for his reaction to having his phone, pills, and iPad confiscated. He threw his suitcase, screamed at one of our staff, and then ripped up the first book handed to him that outlined his week at Shades. The staff member left the room, leaving him to sit and sulk. Finally Scott calmed down and quickly apologized to everyone.

Over the next few days, we watched addiction in action. Scott was like a child who had been using food and anything money could buy (not to mention drugs and alcohol) to manage life, and in turn, he never grew up. He didn’t know how to process the most basic of emotions. Anger turned into violent screaming almost immediately. Pain overtook him in racking sobs that no one could control. Even joy was hysterical, so loud and visceral that he was not allowed to hug anyone for fear of knocking them over.

When

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